This might be the biggest heartache of my life!
I know of a Malay friend who had a major crush on this to-die-for Chinese boy Xuan Chong back in Sec. 2, and he was gonna' graduate of course but she secretly continued her distant admiration and kept crying knowing they'll NEVER get together for religious reasons and that he was going into the wide world without ever knowing how she felt for him. It was like forbidden love, and I guess I can now relate to that.
My heart cries and breaks ever-so-often for him but I'm caught in a personal dilemma: what do I do next? I'm afraid to confront him of his problem for fear that it would distance us yet I don't want him to continue in his ways and conform to society where all my classmates say it's ok and accept him for who he is. I am greatly disturbed, or is it me who has to change my POV? I want to change him, or do I have to swallow this and change myself? Stupid doldrums!
I don't even dare to tell him I like him! My heart burns for him like a match burning silent, but when I'm near him, I don't know what to say to him or HOW to talk to him: I mean like, girl stuff or boy luffs? Movies or gaming? Cats or iPhone apps? Johnny Depp or Megan Fox, you know? Taylor Swift or DragonForce?...
Man, this is so intense I need to let it out or I'll kill this boy for breaking my heart. 4 months back, when I first saw him, I thought 'Love @ 1st sight.' I mean, green neon specs accentuating his piercing, round eyes; tall, dark and handsome (he's Indian) and he is Christian. Claims to be. After knowing him a day, I wanted to make him mine. Like marry him and enjoy his lips and so on so forth... yes, my imagination went that far and every night I thought of him before bedtime, and he was skinny (1 trait I never considered) and my dreams carried me that far. But just dreams. Dreams!
He was new to the course and had a long way to go to catch up, so I took advantage of that and helped him lots, like wake him up every morning and remind him of projects due. He wasn't always in school, skipping classes for a part-time job and leaving me wondering if he would show up this morning or other. His family was poor but have a proper house now. If I had gone to his Facebook from the beginning I would have saved myself the heart pain. I feel so wretched and cheated and disappointed that I can't shake this feeling off!!
1 month knowing him. By that time I've grown to feel lousy that I can't help him with schoolwork 'cos he's constantly away from school. I put my well-wishes and thoughts into actions. So I plan to meet him at Yishun MRT near his place to pass him a compact camera for Design module. He's late. 1/2 an hour.Or maybe I'm in a secluded corner. He's dressed up, apparently going to see his best boy friend later. I teach him how to utilise the compact and uploader wire then go on my way. He suggests I take the bus to Woodlands, which is nearer. Not true. That trip was really long...
The past weeks I hung ard this other egoistic, openly-unpatriotic authoritarian Lewis who made jokes abt orgasms and politics and our classmates, eg 'Your handwriting is so neat. You're gay!' or 'You're jeans is white. You're gay!' and I followed in kind, not knowing the implications. I playfully interjected my own words to fit the circumstance of the moment and announced it loudly to Ajmal, 'You wear white socks to support MJ. You're gay!' and kept it up unknowingly. So, at the MRT I complained that he was late, so like a girl and 'So gay!', I laughed. Moving to the bus stop, he gave a contemplative look and said 'Why do you ask if I'm gay?'
'Because you have Adam Lambert on your desktop,' I naively replied.
'Oh,' he wasn't smiling, 'Have you asked me if I'm gay before?'
Still thinking he was fooling I said lamely, 'Yeah I have. 3hrice over the weeks.'
'And what did I say to that?' he said in a soothing, abnormally high voice.
'You said no to the first and ignored the other 2.'
'Ok. That's good,' he said plainly.
I raised an eyebrow playfully, 'So... you're saying that it's partially true?'
He gave me a silent honest look.
I pretended to gasp, 'So it IS entirely true!'
He didn't say anything so I concluded it as a silly trick he was trying to have with me and wrapped up the scenario with a stupid sheepish, 'You're gay,' whilst nudge-punching his shoulder. I couldn't believe I just touched a gay guy. He was too quiet for my liking suddenly. I looked at him for any possible reaction to deny all I said, confirming his twisted sexuality too blatantly and all. He stayed well composed a little too well. I stopped grinning like an idiot. 'It's not real right? You're bluffing right?' I asked in vain hope. For once i couldn't stop the obvious pleading in my voice. I couldn't control myself.
Then he said, 'What do you think?'
I took courage and sheepishly poked him below the collar bone and went, 'Liar,' hoping I was right.
'No. It's true.' He said, 'I can prove it to you: go see my Facebook. It's very obvious.'
I didn't know what to think, but by then I believe I was still in a state of semi-belief, that he was still acting along all gay, so I kept playing. 'So, how'd you become gay?' I feel stupid I said that to encourage him.
'Well, I just was, all along. Since the day I was born.' Then it sank in. But not fully. It just was. My exterior was completely myself, the normal smiling one that was patient, not the foolish nervous grin. He said I was the first he'd confessed to in Poly, which didn't mean anything except further confirming his like for the same sex.
But my bus came. The moment I turned my back to him the tears came. I hoped he didn't see as I waved good bye to him and sat pouting, trying to keep the tears in. I simply wanted to let it out then and there for I couldn;t stand my stomach churning like a wash machine, my head dizzy and sick with the words he said going round and round and round and upside-down. I was hoping to look into the words to see if the truth was there. But no matter how I placed it, how many words I misheard at the noisy bus stop or how much logic I put into a boy being a childish boy just as they ought to be, I wound up at the same answer: No, it wasn't my imagination and unreal as it seemed as I sat in the bobbing bus and everyone oblivious to my reddening face as if I weren't there, it was entirely true. As I said so myself. I had helped him confess his sin.
I felt sick and deeply immoral for having fallen for a indecent guy. A boy I liked who had feelings for other boys. My love seemed to have been flung out the window like trash. My innocence run over by a bulldozer of a close friend. My heart crushed by an indirect break-up. I wasn't even in a relationship and i was defeated emotionally, utterly destroyed and now my tears are the only thing left I can give him. I don't know what else to do.
But... Were those blank stares he gave me intentionally having me on or were they really a sad soul calling out?, a dark secret he didn't like and didn't want to hide?
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